Psalm 27

It took every ounce of my God-given strength to write that letter. I felt triumphant. I was facing my demons. I was facing the demons he inflicted upon me. I was facing the demons I inflicted upon myself. I have never felt stronger in my life. Everyone who has ever been hurt in such a way should have that. I had been so afraid of so much for so long, and now I was strong. I literally had “I Can See Clearly Now” playing in my head. I sent the letter. I confronted him. He denied it. Surprised? Heck no. Sure, I prayed that God would have him admit it so I could have some validation. So it wasn’t my word against his. But realistically, rationally, I never thought for one second he would admit what he had done. That isn’t why I wrote the letter. I wrote the letter for myself, to validate my strength. I made a choice to take my life back. I made a choice to flex my muscles, face my fears, and I started to fight.

If I could only have lived in that moment for the rest of my life…I deserved that much didn’t I? Sure I had made mistakes. Sure I could’ve avoided a lot of pain and suffering had I made different choices. I’m not proud of a lot of the things I did. But, in that moment, I was triumphant over all of it. I so wish that triumphant feeling would have stayed forever. I wish I could wake up every day the way and feel omnipotent, untouchable, optimistic and free. I wish I could be happy for more than five minutes. I wish I could find joy. I wish I could put all this behind me. Some days, I even wish I never told anyone. Some days I wish I could take it all back. When I was hiding, there were days when I could forget, days when I managed to get a few paces ahead of the dark cloud. Now, I wake up every morning and instead of sunshine, I focus on the giant mountain ahead of me and I see that damn cloud coming over the peak. I woke up out of 15 years of darkness and now I see this giant mountain, seriously? Forget this. After 15 years and all the strength it took me to send that letter, and now I have a mountain the size of Everest to climb. Pissed doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I’m done. I don’t have the strength to do this. Priebe out. I think I’ll just crawl into a cave and wait for death, which I’m fairly certain won’t come soon. Awesome. Judgment day can come anytime, I’ll just hide out in here until then.

Then I remember my confirmation verse Psalm 27:1

¹ The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

Then, suddenly I know I’m not alone at the base of this stupid mountain. Jesus is right there with me. When I stumble, he’s there with a steady hand. When I am tired and want to crawl in a cave, he waits with me. I am not afraid of this mountain, I have the man who made it beside me helping me climb it. He knows what lies ahead of me on this trail. Is it the easiest trail? No. But he knows what is in store and he won’t let me fall. He won’t let me be devoured by mountain lions.

² When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,^[a]
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

And when the clouds momentarily break…

⁴ One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
⁶ Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.

I have struggles against these demons, I have begged the Lord for peace.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his^[b] face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

Sometimes, I’ve doubted. My faith has been shaken. I’ve been afraid of the dark my whole life. You can’t see what is lurking. But, the light came and I see that Jesus was there all along, keeping watch over his sheep. So,

¹³ I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Do I feel triumphant today? No.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.