Validation

I had to tell myself it wasn’t a big deal. I had to tell myself that I just needed to “lighten up”. I told myself that my family would make light of what happened to me because I was the sensitive child. So, I told myself that I was just being too sensitive.

I kept it all inside, knowing in my heart and soul that what was done to me was wrong and sinful. I kept it all inside, knowing in the rational portion of my brain that I needed to tell someone. I kept it all inside, in the victimized portion of my brain, grasping at anything to make the pain and torment go away.

I’ve been told not to judge myself for what I did to survive those years. Fine, I’ll try not to. But, realistically, this fear and irrational thought process caused me immense pain and suffering. I’m not saying my life would be all sunshine and roses if I had told my parents immediately. I very easily could have most of the same difficulties I have today. But, what I’m certain I would have been able to avoid is this feeling that I have overreacted. This feeling that, if people knew the details of what happened to me, they would roll their eyes and tell me to get over it. In fact, very few people actually know the details of what happened to me. I don’t feel the need to tell people. Yes, this is partially to protect myself from real or imagined ridicule. But when I’m being rational, when I look at all this clearly, I know what happened was wrong. I know it. He knows it. God knows it.

But sometimes I get tired and scared and tell myself to get over it. (Uh, right, if only it were that easy.) It is at those times that I go to this website, Definitions, Scope, and Effects of Child Sexual Abuse.

This website outlines what constitutes sexual abuse. What I experienced is there. Validation.

I want to post some excerpts from the website to bring to light some of the acts that are included, legally, under the umbrella of sexual abuse. Aside from these excerpts, this website is a valuable resource on the subject of sexual abuse. Some of it is graphic and may make you feel a little uncomfortable but this discomfort may benefit you or someone you love who is dealing with sexual abuse.

v  Sexual abuse is further defined to include:

v  "(A) the employment, use, persuasion, inducement, enticement, or coercion of any child to engage in, or assist any other person to engage in, any sexually explicit conduct or simulation of such conduct for the purpose of producing a visual depiction of such conduct; or

v  (B) the rape, molestation, prostitution, or other form of sexual exploitation of children, or incest with children;..."¹⁵

v  The penalties vary depending on:

v  the age of the child, crimes against younger children being regarded as worse;

v  the level of force, force making the crime more severe;

v  the relationship between victim and offender, an act against a relative or household member being considered more serious; and

v  the type of sexual act, acts of penetration receiving longer sentences.

v  Clinical Definitions

Although clinical definitions of sexual abuse are related to statutes, the guiding principle is whether the encounter has a traumatic impact on the child. Not all sexual encounters experienced by children do. Traumatic impact is generally affected by the meaning of the act(s) to the child, which may change as the child progresses through developmental stages. The sexual abuse may not be "traumatic" but still leave the child with cognitive distortions or problematic beliefs; that is, it is "ok" to touch others because it feels good.

 

v  Sexual Acts

The sexual acts that will be described in this section are abusive clinically when the factors discussed in the previous section are present as the examples illustrate. The sexual acts will be listed in order of severity and intrusiveness, the least severe and intrusive being discussed first.

v  Noncontact acts

Ø  Offender making sexual comments to the child*
- Example: A coach told a team member he had a fine body, and they should find a time to explore one another's bodies. He told the boy he has done this with other team members, and they had enjoyed it.

Ø  Offender exposing intimate parts to the child, sometimes accompanied by masturbation.
- Example: A grandfather required that his 6-year-old granddaughter kneel in front of him and watch while he masturbated naked.

Ø  Voyeurism (peeping).
- Example: A stepfather made a hole in the bathroom wall. He watched his stepdaughter when she was toileting (and instructed her to watch him).**

Ø  Offender showing child pornographic materials, such as pictures, books, or movies.
- Example: Mother and father had their 6- and 8-year-old daughters accompany them to viewings of adult pornographic movies at a neighbor's house.

v  Offender induces child to undress and/or masturbate self.
- Example: Neighbor paid a 13-year-old emotionally disturbed girl $5 to undress and parade naked in front of him.

v  Sexual contact***

Ø  Offender touching the child's intimate parts (genitals, buttocks, breasts).
- Example: A father put his hand in his 4-year-old daughter's panties and fondled her vagina while the two of them watched "Sesame Street."

Ø  Offender inducing the child to touch his/her intimate parts.
- Example: A mother encouraged her 10-year-old son to fondle her breasts while they were in bed together.

Ø  Frottage (rubbing genitals against the victim's body or clothing).
- Example: A father, lying in bed, had his clothed daughter sit on him and play "ride the horse."

v  Digital or object penetration

Ø  Offender placing finger(s) in child's vagina or anus.
- Example: A father used digital penetration with his daughter to "teach" her about sex.

Ø  Offender inducing child to place finger(s) in offender's vagina or anus.
- Example: An adolescent boy required a 10-year-old boy to put Vaseline on his finger and insert it into the adolescent's anus as initiation into a club.

Ø  Offender placing instrument in child's vagina or anus.
- Example: A psychotic mother placed a candle in her daughter's vagina.

Ø  Offender inducing child to place instrument in offender's vagina or anus.
- Example: A babysitter had a 6-year-old boy penetrate her vaginally with a mop handle.

v  Oral sex****

Ø  Tongue kissing
- Example: Several children who had attended the same day care center attempted to French kiss with their parents. They said that Miss Sally taught them to do this.

Ø  Breast sucking, kissing, licking, biting.
- Example: A mother required her 6-year-old daughter to suck her breasts (in the course of mutual genital fondling).**

Ø  Cunnilingus (licking, kissing, sucking, biting the vagina or placing the tongue in the vaginal opening).
- Example: A father's girlfriend who was high on cocaine made the father's son lick her vagina as she sat on the toilet.

Ø  Fellatio (licking, kissing, sucking, biting the penis).
- Example: An adolescent, who had been reading pornography, told his 7-year-old cousin to close her eyes and open her mouth. She did and he put his penis in her mouth.

Ø  Anilingus (licking, kissing the anal opening).
- Example: A mother overheard her son and a friend referring to their camp counselor as a "butt lick." The boys affirmed that the counselor had licked the anuses of two of their friends (and engaged in other sexual acts with them).** An investigation substantiated this account.

v  Penile penetration

Ø  Vaginal intercourse
- Example: A 7-year-old girl was placed in foster care by her father because she was incorrigible. She was observed numerous times "humping" her stuffed animals. In therapy she revealed that her father "humped" her. There was medical evidence of vaginal penetration.

Ø  Anal intercourse
- Example: Upon medical exam an 8-year-old boy was found to have evidence of chronic anal penetration. He reported that his father "put his dingdong in there" and allowed two of his friends to do likewise.

v  * When children are victims, sexual comments are usually made in person. However obscene remarks may be made on the telephone or in notes and letters.
** Activities in parenthesis are not illustrative of the sexual act being defined.
*** Sexual contact can be either above or beneath clothing.
**** The offender may inflict oral sex upon the child or require the child to perform it on him/her or both.

 

v  Finkelhor,⁴² whose conceptualization of the traumatogenic effects of sexual abuse is the most widely employed, divides sequelae into four general categories, each having varied psychological and behavioral effects.

Ø  Traumatic sexualization. Included in the psychological outcomes of traumatic sexualization are aversive feelings about sex, overvaluing sex, and sexual identity problems. Behavioral manifestations of traumatic sexualization constitute a range of hypersexual behaviors as well as avoidance of or negative sexual encounters.

Ø  Stigmatization. Common psychological manifestations of stigmatization are what Sgroi calls "damaged goods syndrome"⁴³ and feelings of guilt and responsibility for the abuse or the consequences of disclosure. These feelings are likely to be reflected in self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, risk-taking acts, self-mutilation, suicidal gestures and acts, and provocative behavior designed to elicit punishment.

Ø  Betrayal. Perhaps the most fundamental damage from sexual abuse is its undermining of trust in those people who are supposed to be protectors and nurturers. Other psychological impacts of betrayal include anger and borderline functioning. Behavior that reflects this trauma includes avoidance of investment in others, manipulating others, re-enacting the trauma through subsequent involvement in exploitive and damaging relationships, and engaging in angry and acting-out behaviors.

Ø  Powerlessness. The psychological impact of the trauma of powerlessness includes both a perception of vulnerability and victimization and a desire to control or prevail, often by identification with the aggressor. As with the trauma of betrayal, behavioral manifestations may involve aggression and exploitation of others. On the other hand, the vulnerability effect of powerlessness may be avoidant responses, such as dissociation and running away; behavioral manifestations of anxiety, including phobias, sleep problems, elimination problems, and eating problems; and revictimization.

 

Yes, this is difficult to read, but necessary and not just for me when I am having a bad day. I have had family members downplay what was done to me, perhaps unwittingly. When I’m feeling strong and rational, I know the truth of what happened. More importantly, God knows what happened. God, the judge of all, knows what happened. I do not wish for this family member to be damned. What gives me comfort, should strike fear in his heart. I hope it does. I don’t say that vindictively, I say that prayerfully. I pray every day that he repents of what he has done…because it was wrong and sinful.