The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

When I was a kid, I had a dream that I awoke and no one was home, in fact, everyone was dead. I had another dream that my family and I were on a cruise and we were jumping on and off the ship, but I jumped off and didn’t get back on in time and I was left floating by myself with two barrels. I saw two men planning to blow up the boat and I could do nothing to stop it. This morning, I had a dream that my entire family was moving to Florida, but I was not going. My family was making me help them pack up our entire house and help them move, but I was going to be left here all alone.

            I’m sure a mental health professional could have fun analyzing these dreams and many more like them that I have had my whole life. But it doesn’t take a genius to look at them and see I have felt alone my whole life. I have felt alone and solely responsible for my life. I have also felt responsible for protecting my family from anything and everything in my power. This started the day I decided not to tell them what had been done to me. I don’t remember considering telling anyone until I was twelve. At that point, I distinctly remember thinking that my dad’s heart would explode and he may kill someone. I thought my mom would cry. And, my grandma was old; she didn’t need to be put through this.  Throughout the next fifteen years, I would grapple with trying to suppress these memories, but inevitably they would come boiling back up. I would then struggle with whether or not it was the right time to tell my family. It was never the right time, there was always an excuse. This was happening in school. That person was having surgery. This marriage broke up. That person died. This person was graduating school. This person had their own problems, why give them more? I never wanted to add to anyone’s pain. This was always my last barrier to opening up about my abuse. I would have the courage to face anything else, but I could not cause harm to my family. I wanted to protect them. So, I handled everything on my own.

And I have been handling everything on my own since.

It is very rare, and very frustrating, for me to ask anyone to help. I don’t need help; I can do it on my own. I also often take on tasks that I do not want just so I don’t have to bother anyone else with it. This is most evident in how I cared for my father when he was dying of lung cancer. I could handle it; they didn’t need to see that. I must protect them from seeing him like this.

Some people would call this personality trait “strength”; others would call it “stubbornness” or perhaps “controlling”. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. This trait can be very beneficial and very harmful. Taking everything on yourself is taking too much on yourself. But, sparing others pain and suffering or even inconvenience could, and should, be admired.

When these two angles are intertwined, it becomes a dangerous slope. I should’ve asked for help sooner.

I needed help. I sacrificed my mental health and many years of my life trying to handle everything on my own so that what he did to me would not have to hurt anyone else. I kept it all to myself. I was all alone. Unbeknownst to them, I had forced them to abandon me it my time of need by keeping them in the dark. Yes, these are harsh words, but it is a harsh reality. I have felt alone and helpless my entire life, because I was trying to protect those I love. It sucked. I’m tired. I had to realize the effect keeping this secret was having on my life, not just the effects of the abuse itself. I couldn’t do that to myself anymore. I had to repeatedly tell myself that revealing the molestation would not kill everyone in my family. No one would die of dehydration from crying. No one would have to be institutionalized. No one would have their lives ruined forever. Even my life hadn’t been ruined, although sometimes that is hard to see.

It took a lot of self talk and even more desperation to ask for the help of which I had deprived myself for so long. I still feel all alone at times.

I often asked God for help over the years. Help to keep from going insane. Help to live a “normal” life. Help to keep this secret. I often felt my prayers weren’t answered. I often felt alone and helpless. Looking back, I see how God answered my prayers and how I was too afraid and wounded to take that next step and ask for help. It is like that story of the guy in the flood who prays for help and God keeps sending help. Every time a helpful person arrives, the man says “it’s ok, God will save me. I’m waiting for God.”

I don’t want to sound like I am taking blaming myself for these years of internal turmoil. I am just recognizing that my defense mechanism became unhealthy and harmful. I needed time to deal with what happened to me. I was in shock; my brain didn’t know what to do. But, the longer I procrastinated, the more blurred the lines became. Then I shifted this defense into other aspects of my life. I am determined to do everything on my own, I don’t need help. But, in actuality, I do. I need to stop trying to do everything on my own and ask for help when it is needed. If I don’t, I will continue to feel abandoned and all alone.

God answered my prayers; I just didn’t take him up on the offer until recently. He helped me even when I denied the help he sent. I never lost my faith and I was never left entirely alone.

 ^“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

I am glad that I have finally stopped bearing this all myself. I am glad God opened my eyes and gave me the courage to take the help he was offering through church, family, friends, and faith. More importantly, I am thankful that even when I was bobbing in the ocean behind those barrels, God was with me. God was and is my barrel. God kept me afloat until I had the courage to swim to the boat. Now I am safely back on dry land with my family and friends who are willing to help me put my life back together. All I need do is ask…